Kiwi gets raped…by a wombat, and can speak “Australian”…apparently

New Zealand man raped by wombat claims he now speaks Australian (from AdelaideNow)

OK…I have a few questions for the person in question and the Adelaide Advertiser:

1 - How do you get raped by a wombat? Given you’re bigger than the wombat.

2 - Define the “Australian” language. There may be lingo, accent, dialects, etc…but not a unique “Australian” language…

3 - How bored were the people at the Advertiser that they had to report on this?